"Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers." - VoltairE

A few faith-based funnies

June 13, 2019


A minister decided to visit his church members one Saturday. At one particular house it was clear that someone was home, but nobody came to the door. The minister knocked several times and finally took out his card and wrote on the back: 

Revelation 3:20 - "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and dine with him and he with me." 

The next day the same card showed up in the collection plate. Below the minister’s message was another scripture passage. 

It read Genesis 3:10 - "I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked and I hid myself.” 

—-

As the storm raged, the captain realised his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short.”

—-

Q - Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?
A - They were using fowl language.

—-

Q - Why do pastors in Germany have sharp teeth?
A - Because they’re German Shepherds.

—-

If anyone needs an ark, I happen to Noah guy.

—-

A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.  
 "What denomination?" asked the clerk.  
 "Oh, my goodness! Have we come to this?" said the woman.  
 "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!”

—-

Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"  
"It is"  
"This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help us?"  
"I can"  
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"  
"I do"  
"Is he a member of your congregation?"  
"He is"  
"Did he donate £10,000 to the church?"  
"He will". 

—-

One Saturday the vicar's 5 year old daughter complained of a stomach ache to her mother. Her mother replied, "That's because you have an empty stomach. You need to feed it with something."

The next day her father sat down after a long sermon and complained of a headache. His daughter replied, "That's because you have nothing in your head you need to feed it with something.”

—-

A man travelled to London for the first time to visit one of his relatives who welcomed him and invited him to a church service the following day. The man had never been to a church. During the service, the leader requested the visitors to stand up and he stood. After mentioning his name and where he came from, the leader asked him whether he knows Jesus and he replied, “I’m new here. I don’t know anyone yet!”

—-

A pastor was walking through the church and spotted young Billy fixated on the back wall.
Pastor: “What are you looking at, Billy?”
Billy: “Pastor, why are there names on all these bricks?”
Pastor (solemnly): “Those are the names of people who have died in service”
Billy: “Oh... Was that the morning or evening service?

—-

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beaten. You remember how mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mum just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon afterwards, mum sent out her letters of thanks, "Steve," she wrote to one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Mark," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest John," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!”

—-

A visiting youth worker asks little Jake during the RE class, "Who broke down the walls of Jericho?" Little Jake replies, "I dunno, but it wasn't me!" The youth worker, taken aback by Jake's lack of basic Bible knowledge mentions the incident to the school teacher. The teacher replies, "I know Little Jake as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Jake said that he didn’t do it, then I’m satisfied it’s the truth." Even more appalled, the youth worker goes to the Head and relates the whole story... After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the flippin’ wall!"
 

9 inspirational women from the New Testament

June 6, 2019
I love the fact that the New Testament records a range of women of different ages and backgrounds using their skills and gifts for God's Kingdom. We see rich and poor, educated and uneducated, single and married, leaders, charity workers, intellectuals, risk-takers, business women and craftswomen all being used by God in powerful ways. It truly is astonishing when you think about the cultural context of the New Testament - in the Jewish world, Greek culture and the Roman empire - that women h...
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Picture This Thought - Metro train [Busyness]

June 6, 2019
A 3-min reflection on the fast pace of modern life, our idolatry of productivity and where our sense of worth comes from. 



You can read more in my post Life in the Fast Lane.
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Picture This Thought - All sorts [The body of Christ]

June 4, 2019
A 3-minute reflection on the community of the church as the Body of Christ, valuing everyone and loving our enemies.

You may also enjoy my blog post - The Strange Little Band of the Gospel.

For more about the politics of enemy love, I recommend 'Sympathy For Jonah' by David Benjamin Blower.



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9 Christian women you should know

May 17, 2019
  1. Susan B. Anthony (1820 - 1906)
    Born into a Quaker family with a long history of anti-slave activism, Susan B. Anthony developed an early sense of fairness and justice. She dedicated her life to women’s suffrage after joining the women’s rights movements in 1852. She campaigned for the abolition of slavery, the right for women to own their own property, to keep their earnings, as well as their right to attend higher learning institutions.


  2. Sojourner Truth (Unknown - 1883)
    She was born a sla...

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Picture This Thought - Meal [Food]

April 17, 2019
We live in a world of fast food, drive throughs, TV dinners, working lunches and meals in a shake. But what if eating is meant to be a much more spiritual experience?

In this short reflection, I consider the importance of mealtimes in the early church, in Jewish history and in our own lives as we build community. We can learn some profound truths about God through our relationship with food if we're willing to stop and think.


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5 ways the prophecy of Joel challenges today’s church

April 3, 2019


Joel as a missional book


I recently wrote an assignment for my Master’s which involved a missional reading of the book of Joel. I could pick any passage of Scripture I liked and there were several times I regretted choosing Joel, but I’m glad I stuck with it as it’s an oft-neglected book of the Bible which has an important message for the church today. When I started, all I knew about it was that it involved a lot of locusts!

As it turns out, Joel’s prophecy demonstrates the whole redem...

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11 more of my favourite podcasts

March 8, 2019


Welcome to the latest post in my occasional podcast recommendation series.

You can catch up on my previous recommendations here:
I've got a mixed topic bag of 11 of my current favourites. See what you think and let me know in the comments below if there are any you'd add:

Topic: Christian Q and A
Frequency: Fortnightly
Running time: 30 mins (usually)
New Testament theologian and prol...

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A prayer of John Wesley

February 4, 2019


O God, seeing as there is in Christ Jesus an infinite fullness of all that we can want or desire,
May we all receive from him, grace upon grace;
grace to pardon our sins, and subdue our iniquities;
to justify our persons and to sanctify our souls;
and to complete that holy change, that renewal of our hearts,
Which will enable us to be transformed into the blessed image in which you created us.
O make us all acceptable to be partakers of the inheritance of your saints in light.
Amen.


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Isn’t it all about rule-keeping?

January 17, 2019


This is a question I’ve been asked a number of times recently when it comes to my Christian faith. It is a common perception that Christianity is about trying to be good by following a set of rules so that you will earn a reward and avoid a punishment. Many people see Christianity as a reward-based religion, but in fact nothing could be further from the gospel of grace. All other religions have essentially the same basis - that humans try hard to 'be good' or obey commands and then maybe if...

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